Secrets
by frazzledazzlegirl
Summary: She repeated what he said in her mind, that an angel would care for a monster, it was wrong. Hermione lifted her head slowly and whispered, I am no angel, and you are no monster. A sweet oneshot of a girl torn between two secrets, guilt and love RL.HG


**Secrets **

**A/N Okay so this is the first fanfic that i've posted onto this site. So i'm entirely new to the whole Authors Note, Disclaimer and rating thing, so please bear with me :) **

**This is meant to be a sweet little one-shot between my favourite HPFF pairing Remus Lupin and Hermione Granger which I hope you like reading :) Frankly I don't think there's enough! **

**I would _LOVE_ to have reviews, _PLEASE!_ I'd really like to have constructive criticism to help my writing and please point wout any mistakes that I may have made, for example if the rating I gave this is wrong, and if there are any mis-spelling and all that jazz.**

**Diolch! (Thank you in welsh)**

**Disclaimer Sadly I do not own the Harry Potter books, if I did Tonks wouldn't be in love with Lupin (though how can I blame her?) :3 **

During the early hours of the morning a slender figure crept up the staircase, tip-toeing across the landing, and pausing slightly before entering the dark room. She swiftly closed the door behind her and surveyed the sleeping man before her for only a few seconds before she carried on with her task that night, or rather morning. She followed her familiar path heading towards his bedside table, placing his reading glasses and his watch on it, knowing that he would be searching for them in the morning.

For the past few months she had been too scared to sleep, the daily terrors she saw kept coming back to haunt her in her dreams, her nightmares. She used to be able to handle them, but after that day she couldn't and so she desperately tried to keep them away, to keep away the nightmares that would haunt her forever, as they did now and to pointlessly try to stop the wave of guilt, horror and depression that kept her screaming herself awake at night. So she had came up with a plan and dedicated the night to helping those she cared about, even if it was small, she felt a great satisfaction in helping them. Whether it was cleaning the kitchen for Molly, or writing up a report for Harry, or even returning misplaced items to their owners, she wanted to help, and knew that it was the simple things in life that people would cherish and appreciate more. No one knew it was her, she didn't want them to know, and seeing the small almost forgotten smile's on her friend's faces the next day was enough for her, especially the ones from him.

She didn't know when she had fallen in love with him; sometime after graduating from Hogwarts she mused. She knew the day she realised she was in love with him though. It had been the first night she helped someone, him, she hadn't been able to sleep for a few weeks by then. He had returned home one night battered and bruised, which was soon sorted out with various amounts of potions, but his clothes had been ripped and torn and covered in blood. It was then that she decided she would help people, help him, and so she washed his clothes and repaired them in the early hours of the morning and when she returned to his bedroom to replace them, she had seen him looking so beautiful and sweet and at ease. She couldn't remember the last time he had looked like that, in fact she thought later; she had never seen him look as calm and perfect as when he had when he was sleeping. She knew she liked him, but she had never realised how much till then. Seeing his untroubled expression made her so happy that he found peace when he was sleeping, that he could finally relax, and didn't have to fight off horrors in nightmares like so many others in this house did, including her self. Staring at him in the faint glow from the streetlight, filtering in through the curtains, she realised that she had loved him for some time now, the little facts all added up to the way she felt when he was away, and when he returned, and at how every little touch from him made her heart beat just a little bit more faster. She had thought it was a little crush, but standing in his room on the first night, she now knew it was love. The next day she enjoyed watching his dazed and confused expression, trying to figure out how his glasses and watch got upstairs when he had left them downstairs and his small secret smiles as he pondered who had done this, and why. He never figured out who it was, none of them had, and for that she was glad, it added a little bit of "magic" in these dark days and so she carried on every night, sometimes helping others, but mainly him, his smiles meant the most to her.

Lost in her thoughts she heard him turn in his sleep and mumble, and knew it was time for her to leave, he wasn't in a deep sleep anymore. Taking one more glance at his peaceful face she sighed, his face was so different from his daily worried and tired expression, and she began to walk away from the bedside table when his arm shot out and grabbed her by the wrist startling her. She let out a gasp.

"Hermione?" she heard him whisper groggily in disbelief, causing her heartbeat to quicken as it usually did when he touched her, usually just a brush of the hand as he handed her a file, but this was entirely new to her and she begged for her heartbeat to slow down, sure he could hear the pounding beats of her heart against her chest. Turning around slowly, her wrist still in his firm grasp, she nodded her weakly and kept her eyes cast down on the floor, avoiding his gaze in the dark room, she had been caught in the act. Even though what she was doing wasn't a bad thing, she still didn't want anyone to know, let alone him, she didn't want to have to explain, or to ruin the little mystery.

"It was you all along? I should have known" he half chuckled, half whispered, still not letting go of her as he began to sit up. She raised her head slightly and looked at him through her eyelashes to see him smiling at her, one of those few faint smiles that she craved and saw that he was propped up on his elbow staring intently at her, his night shirt hanging loosely off him in the cold night air.

"Why?" he asked her, his eyes searching deep into her own for the answers.

She gave a small shrug and whispered back "I wanted to help you; and everyone else"

"That's not what I meant" he replied, "Why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you want us to know?"

She paused before answering, not entirely sure how to answer him.

"I guess…" she began, averting her gaze before carrying on "I guess I didn't want to ruin the magic of it all for everyone"

She didn't say anything else, and neither did he, he had understood what she meant by it. He let go of her arm slowly, and she let it fall to her side still looking away from him.

"Thank you" he said quietly, "Thank you for everything"

Hermione returned her eyes to his and smiled warmly at him "You're welcome Professor Lupin"

"Please, call me Remus, I haven't been your Professor for years Hermione, and we work together now" he smiled warmly back at her.

"Okay…Remus" she said hesitantly. Saying his name felt so strange to her, but at the same time right, somehow. She stood there for a moment, gazing back at him when he broke the silence.

"Do you want to sit down?" he asked her, gesturing to the side of the bed while moving away from the edge, always the gentleman, worried that she would be tired and making room for her, in his own room when she had woken him up, it was a bit absurd that he was acting as if he had intruded on her and not the other way around.

However she nodded and sat down, feeling so awkward and worried that she was annoying him.

"Are you, I mean, is this, um, do you mind?" she blurted out, looking down as she began to blush, she wasn't used to being so lost for words, in a way she hated how her made her feel like a school girl, although she had only graduated last year, she had never felt this…vulnerable about her feelings before, well not since before she realised she liked him.

"No" he laughed softly, "Not at all, besides, I feel a bit bad that you've been standing there for so long."

Hermione smiled weakly at him, twiddling her thumbs in her lap, she had never thought she would be having a conversation with him tonight, or any other for that matter, she usually avoided him when she could, afraid that her very un-Hermione-like actions around him would make people realise.

"Why did you grab my arm, like that?" she asked him, looking down at her hands. It was a few moments before he answered, each second made her wish she'd never asked at all.

"Well, at first, I guess it was reflexes. Even though I knew it was you, at the same time, I didn't" he stopped, she could tell he was looking at her. "I guess I didn't want you to run away, I wanted to know if I was dreaming or not, if it was real"

She looked back up at him, "Why did you think you were dreaming?" she asked.

His smile faded a bit, "Why would you be there?" he countered, pausing when he saw her quickly look away again out of shame, she knew she shouldn't have been in his room.

"What I meant was, why would you, be helping me? The way you have done for months? I know you're a good person Hermione, but to me, it seemed as if it was too good to be true, that an angel would care about a monster." He stopped suddenly; as if he regretted his choice of words. Hermione sensed him tense; he was worried that what he said might have affected her. She repeated what he said in her mind, "that an angel would care for a monster" it was wrong.

Hermione lifted her head slowly and whispered "I am no angel, and you are no monster". It was his turn to look away, he didn't believe her.

"How can you think that?" he muttered quietly, not expecting an answer, or possibly for her to hear him.

"Because Remus," she paused, still not used to using his first name "because you may be a werewolf, but that doesn't make you a monster, you are a good man. If you were truly a monster, you wouldn't even be here. I, and the order wouldn't care about you and as for the angel part, I am not as good as you think I am" she stopped, unsure of what else to say, she had almost let slip that she loved him; she couldn't possibly tell him that. He would be too shocked, appalled, and it would be mortifying when he would try to let her down gently. She knew he would never feel the same, and accepted it, the pain would be to much. No she did not need to go through that; she wouldn't be able to survive if that happened, she would be too crushed and ashamed. She shouldn't even be having these thoughts about her ex Professor, a man who would never see her as more than a little girl; she knew he wouldn't, why would he? Besides there was also Tonks to consider...

"Hermione" he said breaking her out of her thoughts and looking at her, his deep brown eyes intense in the dark room with an emotion she couldn't place, perhaps it was gratitude "I…" he didn't finish what he was going to say.

"What? Please tell me" she pleaded, she wanted to know what he was thinking, was he angry at her? Or had he guessed? Or… she didn't want to think what else. "Are you mad at me?" she whispered so quietly, she was sure he didn't hear her for a second when he remained silent.

"No, I can never be mad at you, I'm just…mad at myself, and I believe that you are far too good for your own good." He offered her a small smile as an apology for worrying her.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked her, waiting for her answer, she nodded, wondering what he wanted to know.

"Why don't you talk to me?" he asked, catching her off guard.

"I am now, she replied, not meeting his gaze and seeing him frown slightly in the corner of her eye.

"You know what I mean. Did I do anything wrong? It felt like you were avoiding me" he stated while she cringed inwardly, she hoped he hadn't notice her blush, but he certainly noticed her awkwardness.

He placed his hand on hers, trying to reassure her that it'll be fine; however, she knew it wouldn't be.

Hermione shook her head while she answered "You didn't do anything wrong"

"Then what…?" he began, but stopped as he saw her shake her head once again.

"It's nothing" she squeaked staring at his hand on hers, cursing her voice for betraying her feelings, she had hoped to sound calm and not worried at all, well that failed.

An awkward silence fell between them, she wouldn't answer him, Remus removed his hand from her.

Sitting there, on the side of his bed, Hermione realised how cold it was and couldn't stop her self from shivering.

"You should go to bed Hermione" he warned, sounding like the teacher he used to be.

She shook her head, "I'm not tired" then realised that she was in his room, and that he probably, no defiantly wanted her to go and had tried to politely tell her. Feeling embarrassed she starting speaking again before he could even begin.

"Oh, right, I'm sorry! I'll um go now, of course, how stupid of me" she stammered and made to get up, but his hand stopped her.

"Why don't you sleep Hermione?" She couldn't stop herself from looking into those warm kind eyes.

"I'm too scared" she admitted, he was the first person who knew, or rather found out that she didn't sleep, and so the first person, possibly the only one she would tell about the nightmares. She felt stupid and foolish that she was afraid to go to sleep, afraid of what she would see.

He didn't say anything, but she could tell he was waiting to hear more. Before she began to explain, he leaned forward and raised the bed quilt, wrapping one end of it around her, like she was a small child needed to be taken care of, the rest was still over him.

She brought her legs up from the floor and sat cross legged on his bed, she rolled up her checked pyjamas sleeves up a bit, freeing her hands. She was delaying telling him, but she knew that she couldn't hold off forever.

Sighing, she began "I have these horrible nightmares, although they don't always feel like nightmares, they feel too real to be a nightmare. Sometimes I re-live what has happened in the past" she paused, shivering and wrapped the quilt around her tightly. "And other times I see what will happen in the future, I see people I love dying, being tortured, being hurt. I see that there is no end to this violent war, except death and even then it isn't much of a release. I see so many horrors which I know will happen, they always happen in wars. I know it sounds stupid, it's just a dream right? I can't see the future, but when I'm sleeping it's as if it actually happening, and that these nightmares are warning me of what is to come. I stopped sleeping when they began to come true…" she paused and took in a deep breath, closing her eyes before she continued "When G-Ginny, when she was, when she d-died…" she wiped the flow of tears away from her face with the back of her hand when Remus suddenly pulled Hermione to him tightly, hugging her. She had kept this secret from everyone for months; that she had seen Ginny die before it happened, she could have stopped this, she could have saved her friend. The guilt was overwhelming and she found herself sobbing into Remus' chest, soaking his shirt with her tears.

"I'm sorry" she gasped between sobs, shaking while he held her and stroked her hair and her back, making calming shushing sounds, trying to ease her pain, even if only by a little bit, she needed a lot more than that to heal emotionally.

"I know, I know" he repeated "But its not your fault that she died, you couldn't have stopped it, it's not your fault, you didn't know. It is not your fault" he murmured into her ear, rocking her back and forth, holding her close to him, the warmth his embrace gave her helped edge away the fear and grief and sense of loneliness, if only by a little bit, she had let out one of her secrets, something that had been haunting her in her dreams.

Eventually, she calmed down, she didn't know how long she had been crying for, but she could see that the pale light of dawn had streaked into Remus' room while he carried on rocking her backwards and forwards.

She raised her head from his chest and looked up into his eyes and he looked back down at her, raising his thumb to her cheek, wiping away the tears softly.

"Thank you" Hermione whispered, as he smiled warmly at her and whispered back

"You're welcome"

She leant her head against his shoulder as he continued to stroke her hair carefully and she began to fall asleep, without being afraid for the first time in months. She was safe in his arms, he would protect her.

**A/N I hope you all enjoyed reading it, and that you found it sweet and i'd just like to point out now that Remus was just comforting her, he doesn't know she's in love with him, and he loves her, but not in that way...poor Hermione...**

**Don't forget to review, I would be so happy if you did, it would mean a lot to me.**


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